When Is It Too Soon To Have Sex?

Many women have asked me about when it might be "best" to have sex with a guy for the first time. Does sex on a first date send the wrong message? Will maintaining abstinence until marriage scare a guy away? Can you wait too long to have sex? Can you have it "too soon?"

A Subjective Question

The problem with answering these questions is that all of them are highly subjective: deciding when to have sex entirely depends on the person and the circumstances. I am no "King of Coitus," decreeing when couples should or shouldn't have sex. But sexually active individuals must understand that whenever they do choose to have sex might have specific consequences on their relationship

An Argument For Postponing Sex

For example, having sex on the first date will likely send a message to a partner that you're not looking for anything serious. That's not to say you shouldn't "live in the moment" and enjoy a frisky night of instant gratification now and then! But by jumping right into sex, you're sacrificing much of the exciting build-up of a slow burning romance. Most daters are well attuned to this, and will take your disinterest in savoring any anticipation for sex to signal that you're not especially concerned with the long term.
Additionally, holding off on intercourse can be one of the best ways to protect oneself. Emotions can run high during and after sex, which releases many powerful hormones and has been biologically proven to trigger feelings of attachment. The experience can be especially intense for more inexperienced lovers. Waiting to have sex until both parties are more certainly on the same page with regards to commitment can decrease the chance of someone getting hurt.

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Finally, postponing sex until after at least a few dates will increase the chances of things working out in the long run. It's certainly possible to have sex on a fourth, second, or even first date and still transition into a healthy relationship. But if you give each other a bit of time to get to know one another, the physical intimacy will be more rewarding. Sex is best when it feels like a "special" activity shared between two people sharing an emotional connection.

When NOT to Postpone Sex

With all of that said, withholding sex out of fear that a partner will run away once he "gets what he wants" may very well have an adverse effect. For example, some men have no problem waiting indefinitely for sex -- but plenty of others may become frustrated or feel rejected by seemingly endless postponements. In such cases, communication is crucial so that neither party builds up any resentment. Partners must be open about their wishes, and might even try to reach some sort of compromise (whether time-based, or through alternative sexual acts).
I do believe that – barring any religious beliefs – there is absolutely nothing wrong with having sex long before marital engagement. In fact, I would encourage adult couples to have sex within the first month or two of dating to truly test physical chemistry. Furthermore, having sex and discussing it before and afterwards (ideally not in the middle of the act!) will allow a couple to reach a better understanding of each other. How partners communicate about sex (i.e. their ability to convey preferences, fetishes, and turn-offs to one another) is just as important as the act itself.

In Conclusion...

Ultimately, any decision involving your body should be a decision you make. There's no reason you should feel any shame in having sex with someone the first day you meet that person, just as there is nothing wrong with waiting to do so until you are married. But the better you understand the correlations between time and sex, the richer all of your sexual experiences will be.