Listen Ladies! The New Dating Rules for 2015

Listen Ladies! The New Dating Rules for 2015

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For every girl watching “He’s Just Not That Into You”, scanning Audible.com for self-help books or making their best friend’s ear bleed with exhausting inner monologues about the boy who hasn’t responded to any texts; listen up! It’s about time we stop bullshitting ourselves and stop taking bullshit.  So after years of bad dates, great dates, loves, losses and the things I don’t have the balls to say to my friends’ face, I’ve compiled some tips for girls dating in 2014. I’ve applied these to my own life, and I’ll just say I wasn’t crying or giving myself bangs this Valentine’s Day.

1. If you don’t want to be treated like an option, stop making yourself an option.

Eliminate the words “or”, “maybe” and “thoughts?” from your dating vocabulary. When you give a

14 Totally Random Encounters That Ended In Sex

14 Totally Random Encounters That Ended In Sex

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1. Wrong number, right timing.

Work. Phone call. Wrong number. Ask her to meet. We go out for drinks. Sex in her studio. Never to be seen again.

2. The old “Can I borrow your plunger?” trick.

Old neighbor asked if she could borrow my plunger.

3. Held a girl’s hair while she puked.

Was drunk and high at a party, held a girl’s hair while she puked. Ended up together for almost a year.

4. Fixed a girl’s computer in the dorms.

Fixed a girl’s computer in the dorms, she added me on AIM and asked if I wanted to watch a movie with her. We never watched the movie. This led to a six-month booty-call arrangement. Twas a weird point in my life.

5. Yakety Sex.

I made a stupid video in college of squirrels eating to “Yakety Sax” that went viral and it had my AIM screen name in the credits. I got a fan club and ended up penetrating a fat girl in New Jersey.

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